I grew up in a household with love woven through emotional and psychological abuse, as my parents dealt with mental illness and addictions. I witnessed domestic abuse from a very early age, and gave up my own sense of self to (in my childhood mind) help save and care for a parent deep in their own addictions and not facing them. I grew up in regular fear of my parents (feeling unsafe in their presence), while simultaneously depending on them for survival and love. As such, I learned early in life to disconnect from my body and my emotions. I have had anxiety issues for as long as I have memories of my life. I also now know that I started having panic attacks as early as the 3rd grade, and they increased in frequency into my adult years until I was having them on a regular basis. I experienced my first, full PTSD flashback in my late 20’s. When my second PTSD flashback happened in my late 30’s, it was strong and scared me. It also had me finally begin to seek help from a trained healthcare professional. After some time of using traditional, established methods for addressing and healing my past traumas, I was offered the opportunity for a safely administered therapeutic dose of MDMA. One session returned me to myself and restored a foundation I was never given in my childhood - a foundation that healthy parents naturally give their children, which allows them to grow into their own, full selves. After that, interested in plant medicines, I found my own way to a Psilocybin journey held in a small group ceremony, followed by a very sacred Ayahuasca retreat some time later - both impeccably administered and led by skilled practitioners. I never expected these medicines to act as some kind of miracle cure, yet with each ceremony, I have felt the trauma releasing from the deepest recesses of my body and my historically anxiety-ridden nervous system further relaxing & re-aligning. I still face the daily practice of making healthy choices for myself. But those choices are so much easier to make with a peaceful mind, a relaxed nervous system and a foundation for healthy self-esteem. I consider that the recipe for happiness. This is what these medicines have given me; this is their potential.
